someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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