and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Randomize
