Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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