Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
