I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
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