I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize