she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
