I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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