Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Randomize
