PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Randomize
