I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
