I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
