I'm so fucking centered right now
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Randomize
