Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
