captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
