I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
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