don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Randomize
