If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
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