i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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