I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
