I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
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