There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
