you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
