I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
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