I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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