Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Randomize
