Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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