If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
After last night, I could never be a politician.
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
so let's talk penis.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
