I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
