It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I just blew my weed a kiss
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
