blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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