I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
babies were throwing up all over the place
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
She bit a glass in half.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Randomize
