I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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