So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I need a burrito and a hug.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
