maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize
