At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Randomize
