If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
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