Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
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