I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
