there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
