Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
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