I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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