I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
is it fun? or sober?
Randomize
