this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
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