I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
