even my farts smell like vagina
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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