it's too hot outside to masturbate.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
