turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
