his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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