Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
Randomize
