my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
