I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
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I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
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The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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