I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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