On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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